


Wanted: Muse

by ms_nimue



Category: SHINee, Super Junior
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Child Abuse, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-12-30
Updated: 2013-03-28
Packaged: 2017-11-23 01:15:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 19,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/616461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ms_nimue/pseuds/ms_nimue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I started this on AFF (asian fan fics), it is still a WIP.<br/>Donghae is a comercial song writer, Hyukjae is a student of dance by day and works in a bar in the evenings.  They both find themselves in creative slumps.  Adorableness, silliness, and a lot of angst ensue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Underground

**Author's Note:**

> I included some warning tags for this fic, because I hate it when fics aren't properly labeled for potential triggeryness. That being said, there is plenty of angst, most of the homophobia and child abuse is alluded to, and none of the scenes are very graphic. Also I have no beta for this at the moment, if you are interested in being a k-pop beta for me leave me a comment or PM me, otherwise you have been warned. Hope you enjoy!

“Happy bubble nawa hamkke” the jingle echoed faintly through the station tunnel. Not the actual strains of the familiar commercial, but a single male voice singing quietly into the silence. The station terminus was almost empty at this time of night, just a few last minute revelers and business men going home late.

  
The train was due any minute and the softly singing man stood a bit too close to the edge trying to peer around the bend of the tunnel; though he knew he would hear the train long before the light came into view. He was dressed in a nice enough suit and a long over coat. He looked like the thousands and thousands of cubicle dwellers who inhabited Seoul during working hours; but his dark hair was oddly long for an office worker. His untidy bangs kept drifting into his eyes. Occasionally he would try to shake them to the side with little jerks of his head until finally sweeping them away with an impatient hand. He would repeat this little dance every few minutes, much to the amusement of his hidden observer.

Lee Hyuk Jae stood in the shadows of a pillar and watched the odd singing man. Now he was bouncing from the toes of his feet to the heels with no discernible rhythm, like an impatient child. All the while he continued to hum to himself, occasionally breaking into a small bit of song before subsiding again. He was clearly singing commercial jingles, Hyukjae recognized some of them, though some he had never heard before.

  
This was the third night Hyukjae had watched this odd man. He couldn't name what had inspired him to follow the man from the bar where he worked a little over a week ago. Hyukjae had no interest in taking people home with him. He was so busy with school, practice and work he had little time for friendships and certainly not for casual romance.

  
At first he found the man odd because he rarely saw male customers in the bar. The bar was a sort of unofficial host club, not that the patrons hired the men who worked there for sex or anything so sordid, but Hyukjae and his co-workers were paid to socialize, dance, and drink with the women who frequented the venue. So the man had stood out simply by being a guy, but it was more than that. After watching the man with interest for the whole evening, Hyukjae never saw the man interact with anyone except to order drinks and obtain a pen from the bartender. He then spent the next five hours alternating between staring into space and scribbling in a little notebook. When closing time came, he put the notebook into his pocket and respectfully handed the pen back to the bartender with an almost ninety degree bow then left.

  
Hyukjae would swear the man had no idea he had spent the evening in such an establishment at all. He found himself following the man towards Gangnam station at midnight only because he lived a few blocks further down the street and had to go by the station to get home. So he wasn't stalking the man he had told himself. Well, he hadn't been until he'd followed the man down the stairs into the station and even swiped his subway pass to stand out of sight, on the platform and watch the man get on his train. The man was so wrapped up in his own world Hyukjae thought that if he stood right next to the man he wouldn't be noticed.

  
The man didn't come to the club every night, and Hyukjae didn't work every night but on the nights the two were both at the bar Hyukjae followed the man and watched him till he'd stepped onto the train and disappeared from sight.


	2. Donghae

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some back story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CF stands for comercial film.

Lee Dong Hae loved his job. Well he loved the part of his job that involved actual work. Donghae worked for SME's advertising division. He made CFs, or rather he was a musical director for CFs. Whether the idol promoting the random item needed their own hit arranged for a 30 second spot, or a product needed an entirely new catchy jingle he was the man who did it.

  
The part of his job he was not so fond of was the part with the meetings. For some reason artist's managers, brand reps, and even his own boss felt the need to meet with him personally to “workshop their vision”. This process involved a lot of flow charts, and phrases like target consumer, 'it' words, and brand recognition. Most of these people had never seen the inside of a recording studio, he was willing to bet none of them had written a hit song, and none of their flow charts had ever made the slightest difference to his finished product.

  
It wasn't that Donghae was rude. In fact over the last three years he had perfected a face of beatific calm, interest, and humility just for the meetings. He simply didn't see how anyone who actually attended the meetings came away feeling productive. He would be the last person to claim any knowledge of sales figures, market shares, or accounting so why did they think they knew anything about producing music? All he needed was a concept and a singer and he could make music for anything they wanted to sell.

  
Because of his vague attitude during meetings, and his goofy habits (his long hair, his very formal bowing, and his use of formal speech to address his contemporary and younger co-workers) he had gained a reputation for being a little slow. He wasn't, but he didn't mind encouraging the image a little. He was the best jingle writer SME had ever employed and as long as it didn't interfere with his work he had little to no interest in his personal reputation.

  
Besides, the rumors meant no one tried to force their way into his private life. They didn't make him go to those inane work lunches, or try to set him up with eligible female co-workers. No one missed him at the annual Christmas party and no one (thank God) tried to gossip with him, which was just the way he liked it.

  
Whenever he was working on a new CF he would pick a bar and compose there every day after work from five until closing time till the song was finished. Often this only took a couple days, but sometimes it could take as long as a month. The most important part of this method was to never pick the same bar twice. He could only go to one bar for so long before the bartenders or other regular patrons tried to engage him in conversation, and then his flow would be ruined, so he always switched bars after each song.

  
He had no idea what it was about bar atmosphere that seemed to inspire him. Maybe it was all the energy and desperation of people searching for someone to spend the night with, or searching for themselves, or just looking to forget it all in the bottom of a bottle.

  
He had been working on the new android CF for nearly a week. Usually when an idol promoted a phone or shoe or other luxury item, they would use their own latest hit, symbiotically promoting their new album and whatever they were endorsing. Occasionally a company would hire an idol to sing an entirely new song specifically written with the endorsement of their product in mind. Donghae was trying to write one of these.

  
Commercial hits were the hardest to write. First because they were at least four times as long as the thirty second jingle and second because they needed to not just promote a product but also be plausible as an actual song the idol would sing (e.g. So Fresh, So Cool by Big Bang).

  
He had chosen the host club deliberately, he was writing the song for Brown Eyed Girls, so he wanted a strong and feminine atmosphere, and plenty of young business women frequented this particular bar. Also he had little worry of being bothered, the female clientèle assumed he was gay and the hosts appeared to be mostly straight. The few offers he had the first night had been very formally declined, and no one had dared bother him since.

Unfortunately Donghae still hadn't made any progress. There was nothing wrong with the idol group, they had nice voices and he'd worked with them before; nothing was wrong with the concept (the usual boy meets girl, girl turns out to be a robot doomed love story with cell phones), and there was nothing wrong with the bar. He was having plenty of ideas for little bits of lyric or snatches of melody. Only the song he wanted to write seemed to elude him.

  
He sighed with frustration as he walked up the stairs to his third floor apartment in Hannam. He unlocked the door and heard the frantic clicking of claws rushing towards him before the door had shut behind him. Bada, jumped around his feet in excitement, his little terrier always missed him during the day.

  
“Annyeonghaseyo, Bada-sshi.” he gave the dog a silly little bow in greeting before giving in and sitting down in the entrance way to cuddle the dog for a few minutes. Then he changed into house shoes and wandered into the living room. He wasn't surprised to find Kim Heechul lying on the couch in a pink robe and pale yellow pajama bottoms, with one forearm thrown over his face hiding his eyes while the other trailed one hand across the floor. The pose was the textbook definition of “languishing”.

  
“Annyeonghaseyo Hyung.” He greeted Heechul casually, and sat in the arm chair across the coffee table from his hyung.

  
“Is that you, Donghae-ah?” Heechul's voice was soft and pathetic and almost made Donghae burst out laughing.  
“Neh, Hyung, what did Hannie-hyung do to you this time?” the only time Heechul ever bothered to put on this damsel in distress act was when he was trolling for sympathy from his boyfriend after they'd fought.

  
Though Donghae made enough money to live alone, he had opted to continue living with his college room mate Choi Simon, even though Donghae was entering the work force and Siwon was starting law school. So they had moved to the three bedroom apartment in Hannam with Heechul Hyung, who had been a sunbae at their school, finishing a masters degree in creative writing and journalism while they had pursued their undergraduate studies.

  
Han Geng had been Siwon's TA for his first year law school seminar, and had met Heechul one evening when dropping off some texts for Siwon. Much to Siwon's eternal despair the two had gotten along like a house on fire, often literally. Heechul was just becoming known as a writer to watch among the trendy twenty somethings of Seoul, while Han Geng had started work for an firm dealing with human rights violations and international law. Though Siwon had gotten past his own issues with homosexuality (a product of a conservative upbringing), they still lived a closeted life to protect Han Geng's career. This was the root of most of their fights. Heechul had come out the day he started college and had lived his life with great notoriety and no shame ever since. They always made up eventually, in spite of their differences they had a love which seemed conquer pretty much all that stood in its way.

  
Heechul sighed dramatically as he removed his forearm from across his eyes to glare at Donghae.  
“It's not Hannie this time, oh no, this time it's Father Choi “Jesus loves you hyung” Siwon.” he paused, then as an after thought added, “And Hannie. But mostly Siwon.” Suddenly he sat upright and pointed a finger at Donghae.  
“Do you know what that pious bible-thumping pabo has done to my Hannie?! Do you? He's found him a 'welcoming congregation' that's what. He's only gone and found a whole church who don't hate the homo's just because he thought, and here I will pause to laugh scornfully,” which he did pretty well, “that my atheism was caused by fear of homophobia, rather than my disbelief in a higher power who can magic away all the naughty in me, like I'd want that anyway.” he pouted. “And now Hannie has agreed to go with him next Sunday, and he wants me to go too. It's not like I have anything against religion in general, but if I find one crucifix in our bedroom I swear I'll choke Hannie and then Siwon with it.” he fell back against the couch again.

  
Donghae restrained his laugh. “That's Catholics hyung, I don't think you need to worry about crucifixes. But, mianhae hyung, I'll make you kimchi pancakes. Won't that cheer you up?” He got up and walked toward the kitchen, not bothering to hide his grin as he heard Heechul snort indignantly.

  
“Yah, Donghae-ah, it's after midnight pabo, kimchi pancakes before bed make your skin bad...are you trying to sabotage my face?”

  
“Aniyo hyung, but I'm hungry. I haven't eaten since lunch.” Donghae got out the kimchi and the other ingredients for his favorite snack.

  
“What, again? What are you doing all day when you forget to eat? Are you still working on that robot song? Doesn't that bar you go to at least have some food? You come home smelling like beer and cigarettes, and without eating, if I was your mother I would be very worried right now.”

  
Donghae smiled affectionately, he knew Heechul gave him a hard time because he cared about him.  
“I just can't seem to start this one hyung. There's something missing. Maybe I'm bored, or over tired or something, but I just can't seem to find any inspiration.” he sighed in frustration.

  
“Maybe you need to change your routine.” Heechul suggested. “All you do is go to work and write music, then go to bars to write music, and come home to eat and sleep and see Bada. You haven't been laid in over six months, you haven't dated in almost two years. I have Hannie to inspire me, Siwon has the oppressed multitude to save, and Hannie has me and the oppressed multitude, what you need Hae-ah is a muse.” Heechul followed up his uncharacteristic seriousness with a quick hug. “Now I'm going to go to bed and make sure Hannie has a few things to confess on Sunday.” he grinned wickedly and ran out of the room.

  
“That's still Catholics hyung!” Donghae called after him. He turned on the burner to cook his pancakes, and thought about what Heechul had said. A muse. How did he find a muse?


	3. Bi Mil

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It only just occured to me that Bi Mil is at least in part inspired by Ouran Host Club. Bi Mil is the romanization of 비밀 which means secret in Korean. The origional name of the bar was Hwawon, but I don't remember why, I like Bi Mil better.

Hyukjae was tired. He'd had a long day of classes and then a grueling three hour dance practice, his legs felt like jelly and he just knew his arms were seconds away from falling off. But it was Friday, and he still had a six hour shift at the bar. He barely had time to run from the studio to his apartment to shower and change before he had to jog to the bar to avoid being late.

  
Bi Mil was the name of the bar where he worked, and there wasn't any specific uniform for the men who worked there. Hyukjae always wore black, some times he would wear a leather jacket or leather pants on days when he expected a crowd. Fridays were usually pretty busy. A lot of people got paid on Fridays, making it a popular night to go out. So he opted for his leather pants and a black cotton tank top. He threw on an olive green bomber jacket because it was starting to get cold at night, and made his way to work.

  
Before opening there was always a flurry of activity, all the other men were putting final touches to their persona's. There were four other men on shift tonight not counting Kibum the bartender. Zhoumi was on, he was from China, and liked to put out an exotic and mysterious vibe. He also played piano well and was often requested for private parties of middle aged women. He had impeccable manners and was going to school as a designer. Ryeowook was small and unbearably cute. He was very popular with younger clients who enjoyed making him blush. He was attending a conservatory for classical music, but at the bar he was known for a sweet singing voice and for having the most aegyo. The other two, Taemin and Minho, often entertained together, though Taemin and Hyukjae occasionally would be asked to dance with a party. Taemin was the youngest employee by far, he had just turned eighteen, and had started working at Bi Mil while he was still underage. His friend Minho was only a year older. Hyukjae had no idea what Minho was studying, but he did know that he had a reputation as an athlete at school. Taemin was in the same performing arts program as Hyukjae. Almost all the employees at Bi Mil were students trying to make ends meet.

  
Hyukjae didn't use his own name at work, instead he went by the name Eunhyuk, that way any clients who wanted to find him outside work found it impossible to look him up. Hyukjae was known for his dancing and was popular with almost any client. He spent most of his evenings at Bi Mil either engaged to dance with one woman, or more often paid by a party of women to dance with each of them over the course of the evening. Either way he often spent most of his time at work on the dance floor trying to avoid being trampled by drunk women attempting to be sexy.  
Hyukjae sighed and checked his eyeliner one last time before preparing to go out into the main area to find out what his bookings for the evening were. As he exited the break room which served as a sort of dressing room to the staff, he noticed that the singing man was back. He wasn't sitting at his normal table over near the bar. Rather he had opted for a corner booth, one which gave him a pretty good view of the entire bar area. He also didn't have his notebook out. Instead he was gazing around the room with interest.

  
Hyukjae checked in at the bar with Kibum, who told him that he had been booked by a party of five young business women for the entire evening. Kibum directed him to a table with five women between the ages of twenty and thirty. He introduced himself as Eunhyuk and sat down in between the two women who occupied the booth on one side of the table. It wasn't hard to get into character. The women were fairly attractive, apparently they were celebrating a birthday. He smiled sidelong at the lucky woman on his left.After a couple of drinks, and some amusing anecdotes from the woman's friends, Eunhyuk invited the birthday girl onto the dance floor.

  
This was his element, he had learned to be charming and personable on the job, but he had been hired for his dancing. He led the young woman out among the other couples already dancing, Taemin was dancing exuberantly with two quite young women, while Minho watched from a booth with a woman who was probably the two girls' sunbaenim. Many women danced in pairs or groups and a few adventurous men had come with their girlfriends. Zhoumi was swaying with an older woman, occasionally whispering in her ear while she laughed. Eunhyuk drew the girl to his chest closing his hands around her hips and pulling her close. He could hear the muffled surprised laughter from her friends as he moved them both to the pulsing beat of the music.

  
He looked directly into her eyes even though she kept her gaze downcast at first. When she looked up he smiled a slow smile and she looked back down. She was very shy, but she allowed him to lead her around the dance floor for three songs before bashfully returning to her table to allow some of her more forward friends a chance to dance with him. A couple of them were quite forward, grinding and in one instance groping a bit, but he made it through the evening in one piece.

  
He bid the party goodbye a half hour before closing time, hugging the very red birthday girl as she left. He had made a sizable tip and been left two phone numbers which he threw away without even looking at them. Now he had a half hour to himself. He wasn't allowed to leave early so he took the opportunity to get on the dance floor and run through his latest routine. As he ran through the familiar steps he saw that the other parties were starting to wind down.

  
Minho had joined Taemin and their three companions and was making the women swoon by dancing just a bit closer to Taemin than was strictly appropriate. The girls squealed at how red Minho's proximity made Taemin, who was blushing shyly and looking at the floor. Minho's possessiveness coupled with Taemin's adorable innocent act was very popular with some parties, who hired them as a couple.

  
Zhoumi and his lady were sitting close together at the bar drinking, and laughing. Ryeowook's clients had left already and he was behind the bar helping Kibum close up for the night. As he turned, Hyukjae found himself facing the table still occupied by the singing notebook man. The man wasn't singing now, and he wasn't writing in his notebook. The man was staring straight at Hyukjae. He didn't even seem aware that he had been caught staring, he just kept gazing straight at Hyukjae as he danced. Even distracted Hyukjae continued to dance, his body following the familiar movements unconsciously as he watched the stranger watch him.

  
It occurred to him that though he had been following this man for over a week, he had never really seen his face directly. The man was always crouched over his notebook in the bar, or facing away from him on the way to the station. This was the first time Hyukjae had gotten a clear look at his face.

  
He was handsome. He was slim, but seemed well built, though it was hard to tell in the suit he wore. He had full lips, and adorable cheeks. His hair, which usually fell into his eyes, was on this rare occasion staying swept to the side and framed his face. And his eyes...Hyukjae couldn't tell what color they were in the dim light, but every time the man blinked he could see the long lashes against his pale skin, and the expression in them was...fascinated? He couldn't read the man, but something about Hyukjae had clearly caught his attention.

  
Finally the song ended. Hyukjae stopped dancing, and the man breathed in perceptibly as if he had held his breath the whole time he had watched Hyukjae dance. He seemed to become aware that Hyukjae was staring back at him, and dropped his eyes to the floor. In the dim lighting it was hard to tell if he was blushing. Hyukjae walked toward the break room to get his things and say goodbye to the others. He wasn't worried about missing the man, it wasn't as if he didn't know where to find him. If he left, Hyukjae could always catch up.

  
When he had said his goodbyes and left the bar the man was no where to be seen, so Hyukjae walked quickly towards the station, not really sure why it was so important to see the man onto his train. He was almost to the station stairs when he realized that he could hear another set of foot steps walking in sync with his own. He stopped, and the footsteps paused, but then continued, approaching him. Hyukjae turned, the man was right there, had been following him. He stopped a few feet from Hyukjae, staring at him like he had in the club. Without the music it was sort of unnerving. They stood in silence for nearly a minute, then Hyukjae turned around and walked toward the station again. After a few steps he paused to look over his shoulder, the man smiled, and fell into step beside him. The man didn't speak; neither did Hyukjae.

  
They walked down the stairs and swiped their metro cards. Hyukjae went through the turnstile first and waited for the man before walking to the familiar platform he had seen so many nights that week. They stood side by side. The man didn't sing, and he didn't bounce; he didn't stand close to the edge and crane his neck to see around the bend. He just stood, stiller than Hyukjae had ever seen him, and watched Hyukjae. Hyukjae stared at the far wall, occasionally darting glances at the man and then away. The stare made him restless. He had watched this man all week, and now the man was watching him, and he was standing waiting for a train that he wasn't going to take, and he still didn't even know the man's name or why he was there or what was going on.

  
Hyukjae heard the train, then felt the vibrations through his feet, finally he felt the wind on his face as the train rushed past. He turned to the man beside him, who smiled at him and stepped close. Hyukjae froze as the man leaned up to Hyukjae's ear.

  
“Thank you.” He said. He pulled back and smiled again. Hyukjae unfroze a little, “For what?” his voice was so quiet he thought he might not be heard, but the man's smile broadened. He stepped into the train and turned to face Hyukjae again. “For walking me to the train.” he said. The doors shut. The train pulled away. Hyukjae stood on the platform. 'What the hell?' He thought, he was at a complete loss. 'What just happened? What had the man meant by 'thank you' anyway, thank you for what?' He could have sworn that the man had never noticed him in or out of the club. Had he just noticed Hyukjae tonight, or had he known about the sort of stalking the whole time?

  
Hyukjae sighed in frustration, as he turned to head back for the stairs and his own apartment. He didn't even know why he had started following the man in the first place, he didn't know anything about him, not even his name.

  
So why was his heart beating so fast?


	4. Stations and Streetlights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hae has some thoughts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is important to remember for this chapter is that the time frame is the same as the last one but follows Hae's narrative instead of Hyukie's. Hope you enjoy.

When Donghae finally left the “progress” meeting his boss had sprung on him right after lunch, he was genuinely angry. He was angry with the client who had lectured him for half an hour on work ethics, he was angry at his boss who spent the next half hour demanding results and giving ultimatums, and most of all he was angry with himself for loosing his cool. He knew better than any of them that some songs took longer than others, but he'd never had writer's block for a whole week.

  
As the meeting had dragged on Donghae's calm expression of respectful interest had slipped off his face. The angrier he got the more expressionless he became. Finally even his boss seemed unnerved by his cold and focused stare and stony silence and ended the meeting.

  
Donghae stalked out of the room and through the halls towards his department. All he wanted was to be left alone long enough to get to his blessedly empty office. His co-workers avoided his eyes, no one tried to talk to him, not many people had ever seen Donghae so focused, usually he seemed so vague and easy going, but now he was striding through hallways and glaring straight ahead as if daring someone to speak to him.

  
Finally, he reached his door and shut it behind him; slumping against the solid wood with a sigh of relief. He sat at his desk and stared into space. What was wrong with him? Heechul kept insisting that inspiration came from love, and that Hae needed to start dating again. But that couldn't be right, after all Hae had started composing long before his first relationship.

  
Donghae had always had a thing for dancers. As a student in the music department he had spent a lot of time helping produce the showcases put on by performing arts majors. He hadn't had much opportunity to date before college. In middle school and high school he had been awkward and shy, too consumed by his passion for music to really pay attention to the girls in his class.

  
At college he had met Siwon. They had been roommates from the first year. Siwon was everything Donghae wasn't. He was tall, athletic and outgoing. He knew everyone, and his smile could knock out any girl at school even the noonas and seonsangnims. Siwon didn't often date. He was too focused on his studies and his friends to spend much time on girls.

  
Donghae spent his freshman year convinced he was in love with Siwon. There weren't a lot of guys in the music department and while still short Donghae had become very handsome since high school. Regular work outs with Siwon and an actual hair cut had done wonders. Therefore in spite of his confusion over his sexuality Donghae did go on a few dates with women in his classes. But he never let the dates go any further than a chaste kiss on the cheek. None of the women made his heart pound or his stomach clench the way a casual hug from Siwon did, so he'd kept looking.

  
Then, his third year at uni he'd met her. Her name was Jessica and she was three years younger, a freshman dance major in the performing arts department. She was even shorter than Hae and had long dark hair which fell past her shoulders in waves. He saw her practicing for the freshman showcase. Her hair flew around her face and her body moved in waves. He'd never seen anything like it. He was so used to ballet and modern which seemed the standard types of dance in these showcases. She was something new.

  
Her body undulated and rippled like the ocean and it drew him to her like the changing tide pulling an untethered boat out to sea. He had introduced himself that day, though he wasn't usually so forward. Within the week he had asked her on a date, and within a month he had asked her to be his girlfriend. To Hae she was flawless; she was beautiful and cute, she was sexy and funny. He learned she had a good singing voice and convinced her to take some vocal training in addition to her dance studies.

  
When she and Donghae had been together nearly two years, Donghae graduated. Jessi still had two more years to complete and Hae decided to look for work so he could afford to stay in Seoul and be near her.

  
Hae's dream was to be a professional songwriter, to write music which would touch people; which would speak to their hearts. But none of the companies he sent demos to contacted him. He began to get discouraged and then desperate. Finally SM Entertainment called him and invited him for an interview. When they told him it would be for the advertising division rather than music he hadn't even blinked. He had accepted the job on the spot and gone proudly to Jessi's last class to tell her the good news. She hadn't seemed very impressed, but Donghae hadn't taken it personally, he knew Jessica could seem cold even when she didn't mean to be.

  
He should have been paying better attention. He had introduced her to his boss a few months later, two months after that he was writing the song for her first CF. Even then he hadn't seen the warning signs, how withdrawn she was becoming, how she smiled less and less at his silly songs and became more and more discontent with his complacent attitude. Within six months of his taking the job at SME Jessica had been recruited into the training dorms and coldly informed Hae that there was a ban on trainees dating. She had said they should break up for the good of both their careers, but had been unmoved when he had told her he'd give it all up for her.

  
That was the last time he had ever been in love. Of course he dated occasionally, always dancers, sometimes men and sometimes women, never from SME. Jessica was a star now, he'd even written a couple jingles for SNSD, the group she was in. He'd never spoken to her since the day she'd left. He rarely thought of her anymore, just like he rarely thought about being a real songwriter.

  
Hae shook himself out of the past. Heechul was right he decided. If he had sunk so deep that he was allowing thoughts of Jessica to surface then it had been to long since his last 'distraction'. At least it was five pm and he could go to the host bar now. Maybe he could convince one of the hosts to consider a male client. All he needed was a distraction, and thoughts of Jessi made him reluctant to seek female company.

  
When Donghae arrived at the bar he requested to be seated at a corner booth with a good view of the dance floor and settled down to watch. He was a pretty good judge by now what guys would be interested in another man and which ones would punch him for asking, but with the hosts it was a little hard to tell. There was the exotic looking one with the older woman, who Hae was almost positive was gay, and then the small slight man who looked quite effeminate but gave off a pretty straight vibe. The tall dark haired man and his long honey-haired friend were harder to peg, he would have sworn they were both straight when he observed them with women but when they were together the sexual tension was palpable across the room.

  
Finally there was the man with the bleached blond hair. Donghae couldn't get any sense of the man at all. He was very attentive and flirtatious to the women he was with, yet every so often he would look at Donghae and stare a little longer than necessary. When the women decided to dance Donghae stopped watching any of the other hosts. He knew he was staring but he couldn't stop; the grace and control in the man's movements was mesmerizing. Luckily the man seemed preoccupied with his guests and the music, and didn't seem to notice.

  
Finally the whole party of women left the bar, most of them quite drunk. Hae saw a couple of them slip the blond surreptitious notes as they filed out to the coat room. As soon as his final guest had left the blond threw the notes away with out a glance and made his way back to the dance floor. He began a complicated routine of spins and smooth glides across the floor. His eyes focused on nothing and his body moved through the air. And as he watched the man, Donghae's chest felt tight and his mouth was dry.

  
The man focused on Donghae, staring back at him as he continued his dance. His eyes were dark in the dim light of the club. Donghae felt like he was being hypnotized, his breathing was faster. He wanted this man. He wanted to dance with him and feel the power in his arms, feel those hands wrapped around his waist, feel the mans heart beat against his back and his lips--

  
The music stopped and the man turned away from Donghae into a back room. The lights went up and the bar tender started to hustle patrons to the door. Donghae stood and made his way onto the street in a daze, he hadn't intended to follow the blond, but when the man hurried past him he didn't think, he just walked after him. The man seemed to be heading for Gangnam station any way.

  
Half way to the station the man stopped, and Donghae almost stopped too, before realizing how utterly creepy that would be, especially since the man had spent the last part of the evening watching Donghae basically eye-fuck him. So he walked up to the man. They stood still for a long moment, the taller man looking down at Donghae without expression. The man was even more beautiful up close, his eyes were lined with black, which gave them a deep, mysterious air. His face, with it's sharp cheek bones and soft mouth, was angular and delicate without being feminine. Donghae couldn't have said anything in the moment if he wanted to, and after a minute the man just turned and walked slowly towards the station stairs, pausing as if waiting for Donghae to join him.

  
They walked down the steps in silence, and went through the turnstile. Hae felt a little giddy when the man waited for him on the other side. They stood together in silence on the platform, and Hae couldn't take his eyes off the man, who darted looks at him but mainly looked at their feet. He knew he was being weird, staring at a stranger, but the man had walked with him, was enduring patiently, if uncomfortably Hae's stare.

  
The train's approach sent familiar vibrations through the floor, and Hae managed to draw his eyes away from his silent companion and step forward. The man turned to look at him, and Hae smiled a little and leaned close to the man so he could speak quietly near his ear. “Thank you.” He said, and the man's little shudder as he spoke was probably just his wishful thinking. The man turned to look at him his face close and confused. “For what?” he asked softly, his voice rougher than Hae had imagined it. Hae smiled again and stepped onto the train, turning back to face the man through the doors, “For walking me to the train.” he answered, The doors shut and the train pulled away.

  
Hae sat down and looked at his hands, they shook a little as he pulled the notebook and pen out of his pocket and began to write.


	5. Nor Faint Hearts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little more interaction is in order.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slight violence in this one folks, so a little extra caution for the squeamish. Blink and you'll miss it.

Donghae found himself at Bi Mil the next night, despite it being Saturday and therefore his day off. Officially he had convinced himself that he was trying to do the responsible thing by harnessing this new inspiration and building on the progress he had made the night before. A part of him knew that wasn't the real reason... He wanted to see the dancer again.

So he took a seat at the bar and ordered a bottle of soju, waiting while the bartender poured his first shot for him and accepting with both hands, “Kamsahamnida,” he thanked the man and downed the shot. He looked around the bar. He could see a few hosts he recognized from the night before, the dark man and his blond companion, and the tall exotic one who again was chatting with a customer several years his senior. He also saw a few he didn't recognize, but he hadn't paid much attention to the hosts or their clientèle before the previous night. He didn't see the dancer.

He waited for the bar man to finish serving a pair of business women at the other end of the bar and then signaled for his attention. He felt awkward, but he steeled himself.

“There was a man here last night, blond, a good dancer...” He trailed off uncertainly for a moment then forged on, “He isn't here tonight and I was wondering when his next shift was?” He looked at the barman and tried to appear as innocent and not creepy as possible. The barman looked at him coolly for a few moments then nodded.

“Eunhyuk doesn't work on weekends. He'll be back on Monday.” he paused and looked a bit uncomfortable. “This club caters mainly to women, though a few hosts are available to book male company, but Eunhyuk doesn't generally take appointments with men. I could suggest some other hosts who may suit your interests better?”

Donghae shook his head and smiled disarmingly. He knew that his smile was one of his best features, it could make Heechul forgive him almost anything, which was not an easy feat. 

“I know its very forward of me, but would you mind asking him if he would be willing to make an exception? I would like to book the whole of Monday evening if he's available.” He looked at the bartender pleadingly, and the man sighed.

“I can call him and ask,” he looked at Donghae as though measuring him up, “You do know this is a legal establishment, right? Our hosts are hired to entertain and converse, they are strictly forbidden to trade in sexual favors with our clients, and to hire a host you must understand and abide by the house rules.”

Donghae looked down at the bar and blushed. “Y-yes, I do understand. I really do just want to talk to him, maybe dance a little. I wouldn't, I mean I didn't think...” he trailed off. The barman smiled a real and kind smile.

“I just have to make sure. I'll call Eunhyuk.” He turned to pick up the phone and dialed, holding the receiver up to his ear. “I'm Kim Kibum by the way.”

“Lee Donghae,” Hae replied with his own smile. “Can,” He blushed again and ducked his head, “Can you tell Eunhyuk that the man who sings in Gangnam Station has asked for his company on Monday? He'll know who I am.” Kibum raised an eyebrow at him but nodded.

Someone on the other line picked up the phone. “Hey, Hyuk? Its Kibum, listen, its about Monday's shift....Someone wants to book you for the whole evening and he said to tell you he's the man who sings in Gangnam Station. Can I book the appointment?” He listened to the man on the other end of the line for a while before answering.  
“Areso, areso, I understand. Not a problem.” Then he hung up.  
“You can have the appointment with him on Monday.” He said, and grinned in answer to the smile which split Donghae's face at the news. “Thank you.” he said earnestly and downed the rest of his soju. He felt warm and a little buzzed, but so inexplicably happy because the beautiful man he knew nothing about had said yes to him. So he ordered another couple shots before settling his tab and leaving the bar. He stood in the cool air, barely swaying, he really was just a little tipsy. 

The night was beautiful and he had a date with an ethereal blond on Monday and all was right with the world. He began to walk towards the train station with his usual bouncing walk humming show tunes under his breath.

He heard running footsteps behind him and turned to see who was in such a rush late at night, and was surprised by the sudden punch to the gut he received. He went down on the pavement immediately, the top of his forehead connected with the sidewalk and he was clutching his abdomen and wheezing in pain. He looked up through watering eyes at his attacker, but it was just some punk kid in a black hoody, pulling his fist back to hit him in the face. It dawned on Hae that he was being mugged, but the second blow never came. 

The kid screamed in pain and buckled over before he had the chance to deliver the second punch. His knees buckled first, which may have been because another man had come from behind and delivered a strong kick to the back of the boy's kneecaps, and then smacked his fist into the boy's temple which sent the boy to the ground face down, either stunned or too wise to get up.

Donghae felt strong hands grip his wrists and pull him stumbling to his feet. He coughed and sagged in relief against the strong chest of his rescuer, trying to regain his breath. He felt giddy, definitely drunker than he had thought he was back in the bar, and he cursed himself for those last two shots as he straightened up to thank the man who had saved him. He looked into dark black rimmed eyes and found that he once again had no words. 

Eunhyuk had an arm wrapped around Hae's waist holding him up and the other hand was braced against his shoulder steadying him. Hae had somehow curled one hand around his Muse's hip and his other laid on his chest over his heart. The dancer's face was very close, too close. And Hae wasn't ready for this, to be this close to this gorgeous stranger outside on the street while Hae was dirty and disheveled and a little drunk. He wanted this man to see him at his best, wanted to make him laugh and then let himself be pulled onto the dance floor and sing soft nothings into the man's ear until he was granted permission to request him again, to have as many appointments as he liked.

But the man was here, holding Hae up, and when he tried to let go Hae stumbled a little and the man caught him up again in strong thin arms.

“I'll walk you to the station.” The man said, and Hae nodded tiredly. But he was too weak, unsteady on his feet to really walk. Eunhyuk sighed and turned his back, pulling Hae's arms around his neck and hoisting him onto his back, in a completely clichéd gesture, and carried him piggy back towards the station. Hae wanted to be embarrassed, but Eunhyuk's back was so warm and his week had been so long; between the writers block and the humiliating meeting and finally the mugging, that he quickly gave in to the inviting warmth of the body which carried him down the stairs and through the turnstile to the platform.

Hae expected that Eunhyuk would put him down at this point, hoped he would wait and see him onto the train, though the man had done enough, more than enough already. He was completely taken by surprise when the man carried him onto his train got him settled on a seat and sat down next to him.  
Eunhyuk must have seen the look of surprise on Donghae's face because he quirked a small smile at him. “You can barely stand up, and you may not have noticed but your head is bleeding. I'll see you home, make sure you don't need to stand me up on Monday.” he looked away quickly, body held still and stiff, as though he were the one embarrassed. Donghae just slipped his hand into the younger man's and laid his head against his shoulder. The touches seemed so natural, though he knew they were intimate, too intimate for a stranger, but Eunhyuk didn't seem to care, seemed to relax into him, holding onto his hand cheek gently resting against his hair. Hyuk was being careful to avoid the cut on his head. 

“Thank you.” Donghae said in a soft small voice. Eunhyuk said nothing but his hand tightened on Donghae's.


	6. Won Fair Maiden

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is from Hyukjae's point of view, it picks up from chapter 4.

Hyukjae had been hoping to go to sleep and not think about the strange man from Gangnam Station. The man who had smiled so shyly and sweetly at him. The same man who had been staring at him with undisguised lust on the dance floor. 

How could a man look so full of sin one minute only to be full of wide eyed confusion and innocence the next? When Hyuk lay down to sleep that night it seemed every time he closed his eyes he felt the memory of the man's stare like a caress. He relived the momentary whisper of breath on his neck when the man had lent up to thank him.

He had already been trailing a lazy hand down his chest toward the waistband of his pajama bottoms when the utter creepiness of the whole situation hit him. He was about to jerk off to the memory of a stranger staring at him and breathing on him. Sure the man was beautiful, but he was short and really, really odd. And if that wasn't bad enough Hyukjae had been stalking the stranger for a week which meant that Hyuk was at least as weird as the stranger...possibly more so. He frowned and belligerently pulled his hand back up his body to rest on his chest, resolutely on top of the covers.

By morning he still hadn't slept much, and had to stumble out of bed without breakfast so he could narrowly avoid being late for the extra practice Key had scheduled at 6 in the fucking morning. Hyukjae was not a morning person at the best of times, and this close to the showcase performance he was even more stressed and angry than usual. He suspected that Key was punishing him for something, but he had yet to work out exactly what he'd done to earn the catty student supervisor's ire this time.

After a practice which was both draining and disappointing he collapsed onto a bench to just breathe for a minute before showering. Key sat down next to him. Key was younger than him, still in the undergraduate program. Key had a talent for organization and was employed by the graduate program for the performing arts as student supervisor. He was bossy, and a total diva, but he was loyal and supportive to those he cared about and Hyukjae was lucky enough to be included among Key's friends.

"Hyung," Key was looking at him with a slightly exasperated expression which was not a good sign. "Theres something missing from your routine. I know you can do better than this." Key paused, and his face turned from disappointed to worried. "I just want you to do your best. This is your last showcase. There will be recruiters and agents at this performance and you and I both know you are easily the best performer this year. So figure out your shit! I mean I know you're tired, you're stressed, but seriously Hyuk-ah I've never seen less inspired routines or practices from you than this last semester."

Hyukjae sighed. Key was right...he always was. "I know somethings off, Key. " He said, frustrated. "But theres nothing wrong with the routine. The technical elements are all there, I'm just not feeling a story. My choreography needs more narrative structure or something. I can't seem to connect with the music. Key huffed. “Well maybe it's time to try something different. Either change the music or the choreography, what ever you have to do.” He paused. “You know it wouldn't hurt to go out once in a while. Its been ages since you've gone out with me and Jjongie.”

Hyuk's face closed off. “I don't have time for that Key. I made my choice and I need to focus on dance, not going out and getting drunk, or sleeping with some stranger.” He said it gently but his tone suggested that he wouldn't hear any argument. 

Key sighed, “Fine, whatever Hyung, but fix your performance or all the focus and dedication you've built on these last six years will be worthless.”

 

Hyukjae took a long shower. He didn't have work and he was looking forward to a nice quiet evening at home. Of course within a few minutes of walking in the door his phone rang. He looked at the number, Bi Mil. He almost let it go to voice mail, but picked up at the last minute. He needed a distraction and maybe the extra shift at the bar would provide an outlet for his stress.

“ Annyeonghaseyo?” He answered. He had started dressing for the bar even before he got off the phone with Kibum. He had an appointment with the singer on Monday, but why would he waste the opportunity to walk him to the station? He needed something to take his mind off his upcoming showcase; who better than the mysterious stranger who has so preoccupied his thoughts throughout the week?

He was barely a block from Bi Mil when he saw the mugger. His client was on the ground, and there was blood on his forehead. There was a kid above him pulling his fist back to hit the stranger again. Hyuk didn't even think, blind possessive rage shorted out higher reasoning. He kicked the kid's legs from under him and hit him on the side of the head. The kid fell. Hyuk didn't even stop to see if the kid was stunned or merely feigning unconsciousness.

He grabbed the man's wrist and pulled him to his chest possessively, only breaking the embrace when his pulse had calmed enough to realize the gesture was too intimate. But when he tried to let go of the man resting against him he found he could barely stand. He sighed and turned his back to the man. When the stranger didn't seem to get it he pulled his arms around his neck and carried him piggy back to the station. He got them through the turnstile just as the train was pulling up and just walked onto the train. 

He settled the man into a seat and sat down next to him. The stranger's face was a mask of surprise and Hyuk couldn't help the small smile.

“You can barely stand up, and you may not have noticed but your head is bleeding. I'll see you home, make sure you don't need to stand me up on Monday.” He felt awkward. Unsure what to do with his hands. He looked away embarrassed and hoped the man couldn't read any of the conflicting emotions within on his face. He was relieved the man was okay, angry at the mugger, and confused about the depth of both feelings. He felt the man settle into his shoulder and then the man gripped his hand and tangled their fingers together.

He stayed absolutely still as the man settled against him, but began to relax when the man's breathing began to even out. The measured breaths of his mysterious fixation drew him to lay his head against the man's soft hair. They didn't talk as the train moved, but their fingers remained entwined on Hyuk's thigh.


	7. Revelations

Donghae squeezed Hyuk's fingers just before they reached Hannam. Eunhyuk stood up and half carried him out of the car before lifting him onto his back again. Donghae was so tired he didn't even bother to object. He directed Hyuk to his apartment. They stood in front of the door, and Dongahe handed his key to Hyuk so he could let them in without putting Hae down.

When they had managed to get into the front hall Hyuk put Hae down on the floor and knelt in front of him to remove both their shoes. Then he slung Hae's arm over his shoulder.

“We should clean the cut on your head. Where's your bathroom?” Hae pointed down the hall. “Through the living room on the left. But you don't need to,” he paused feeling oddly shy. “I mean you've already helped me so much, I don't want to be a burden.”

 

Hyuk looked down at him, his expression was unreadable, “I'm already here. Let me help.” Hae blushed and nodded.  
Of course when they reached the living room, Heechul was lounging in his accustomed spot on the sofa. When he saw the stranger practically carrying a bleeding Hae through the door he let out a shriek that would have made an Edwardian heroine proud and leaped off the couch. 

“Haehae baby! What happened!? Who is this man? Are you okay?” His words ran together and he seemed torn between trying to grab Hae protectively and wringing his hands and glaring at Eunhyuk. When he reached out to pull Hae away from Hyuk, Hae flinched away at the same time as Hyuk was pulling him to his chest. He ended up slumped against Hyuk who had an arm possessively around his shoulders. 

Heechul got very quiet and still, but his eyes were wide with worry. Donghae tried to smile him reassuringly. “Neh Heechul hyung, I'm fine. This is Eunhyuk-sshi, he rescued me from a mugger when I was walking to the station. My head got hurt so we were just gonna go clean it up in the bathroom. Mian.” Heechul relaxed enough to turn his attention to Hyuk. 

“Thank you for helping him.” he said earnestly. “He's really very talented and intelligent, but he's completely oblivious to his surroundings. Donghae-ah, make sure you thank Eunhyuk-sshi, and don't you ever walk alone after midnight by yourself pabo. Take a cab or something or I'll tell Geng-gege and Wonnie.” He waved them away toward the bathroom.

“Neh, Hyung. Kashamnida.” Donghae pulled away a little to start limping with Hyuk's help into the bathroom. Before he really thought about it Hyuk found himself lifting Donghae to sit on the edge of the sink. He was in a whirl of confusion, unsure what to ask first. He knew one thing though, it was nice to finally have a name for his stranger. Hae continued to look embarrassed, though if it was because of his hyung or because of the close quarters in the bathroom Hyuk couldn't tell. 

“Is he your brother?” he asked. From the position they were now in Hae was a little taller and could look down at Hyuk, their faces were close and Hyuk was speaking softly, almost a whisper.  
“Ani,” Hae shook his head, and wished he hadn't he felt a ripple of pain and nausea in his head and gut. He closed his eyes and breathed sharply through his nose. Hyuk's hands came up to his waist to steady him. 

“Where do you keep medical supplies?” he asked Hae. He was starting to worry that Hae might need to go to the hospital. Hae kept his eyes closed but pointed over Hyuk's shoulder to the closet behind him. Hyuk opened it up and pulled out a box marked first aid. He found antiseptic wipes and opened one of the packages.

He used one hand to steady Hae's chin, and pretended not to feel the late night stubble dragging against his palm, “This is gonna sting a little.” he warned Hae, and then he began to dab carefully at the blood on his forehead, slowly revealing a shallow gash on Hae's forehead. It ran about an inch into his hairline and a little below it. 

Hae flinched when the antiseptic hit the edges of the cut, but Hyuk managed to hold his face relatively still.

“Mian. I'm almost done. I don't think you need stitches, its not very deep. Head wounds bleed a lot, they usually look worse than they really are.” He tried to reassure Hae, though he had no idea if that was actually true. Hyuk couldn't even remember where he'd heard it. He carefully applied some antiseptic gel to the cut and taped gauze over it.

“There, you're all patched up.” Hyuk stepped away from his position between Hae's thighs. Hae swayed a little unsteadily and fell from the counter into Hyuk's arms. He steadied himself against the strong, unyielding chest. At any other time he would have paused to appreciate the flexing of Eunhyuk's arms around him and marvel at his good fortune in getting the dancer to come home with him. Of course at the moment the nausea and exhaustion were kicking his libido's ass and Hae just wanted to sleep. 

“Kashamnida, Eunhyuk-sshi. I think I need to go to bed now.” Hae walked unsteadily towards the door, but Hyuk stopped him, wrapping an arm around his waist.  
“I'm a little worried you might have a concussion. You should try to stay awake for a couple hours."   
“But, Eunhyuk-sshi I'm tired, I don't think I can stay awake.” The words sounded flirtatious, but Hyuk could clearly see the exhaustion in the other man's face. He could also feel the slight trembling of Hae's body all along his side where they touched. Hyuk didn't know why but he felt an overwhelming urge to protect this man. 

“I can stay.” He blurted, then continued hurriedly, “You know, just to keep you company for a few hours. I've had concussions before, if you don't pass out in the first couple hours, you're usually fine to sleep. The trains have stopped running for the night anyway, so I need somewhere to crash...” Hyuk stopped babbling. 

“I'd like it if you stayed.” Hae was looking at him again. He smiled lazily at him, and somehow managed to look more alluring than brain damaged despite the bandage on his head. Hyuk swallowed audibly and nodded, electing to just keep his mouth shut. Hae slid away from his arms and grabbed one of Hyuk's hands, pulling him out of the bathroom, through the now empty living room, and down a little hall. He opened the last door and pulled Hyuk inside. 

The room was cluttered but clean. There wasn't much in the way of furniture. The bed was large and took up about two thirds of the room, the remaining space was occupied by a small chest of drawers and a desk, which held an electric keyboard, a computer, a turntable and masses of wires and switch boards. A door next to the bed probably led to a closet. The walls were wall papered in photos and posters of idol groups, and advertisements. Some of the photos near the desk seemed to be of people Hae knew, family members, college friends, maybe some work colleagues. Before he could examine the photo's more closely, Hae was pulling him down to sit on the bed and he forgot about the rest of the room.

Hae seemed completely at ease. He sat next to Hyuk on his bed still holding his hand and watched him. He wasn't smiling anymore, but his expression was open and curious. Hyuk found it hard to look at him, he was nervous, and confused by the situation. After all they barely knew each other, had only learned each other's names a few hours ago. 

Also he was supposed to have an appointment with this man, a decision he was now seriously questioning. The whole point of working at Bi Mil was to avoid entanglements. He was gay so there wasn't any concern that a client would turn his head. But he couldn't deny that he found this odd little man attractive. He was beautiful. He had dark eyes which crinkled at the edges when he was amused, and his eyelashes were absurdly long and his mouth was so soft looking. And his skin...well Hyukjae knew what Hae's skin felt like now, and he wanted to find out if the rest of Hae's body was as warm and soft as his hands. 

Hyuk swallowed and tried to slow his heartbeat. Tried to not think about the man sitting next to him for a minute. Hae of course chose that exact moment to squeeze his hand and stand up. He seemed to be slightly more steady on his feet. He made his way over to the desk and fiddled around with the wires and the computer, plugging in various switch boards and his keyboard into the computer.   
Hyuk shifted so he could watch him. When he had set up the desk to his satisfaction he sat down behind the computer and typed a few lines. Music began to play through speakers set under the desk. The melody was a duet between piano and acoustic guitar, and the underlying beat of drums and bass was minimal. It was a sad melody, and there weren't any words.

“Did you write this?” he asked. Hae nodded. “It's beautiful.” Hae ducked his head and blushed a little at the praise.  
“I've been trying to find a good ending.” he said. “It should have been done by now.”  
Hyuk frowned. “Done?” Hae smiled a little sheepishly. “It's for the new B.E.G CF for the Android. They wanted to start shooting next week, but I haven't even written out lyrics yet, the melody only came to me a couple nights ago when I saw you dance.”

“This is going to be the theme for a commercial?” He was surprised something so sad and lovely could be used to sell a product. He ignored the part about watching him dance, he really didn't think that he could deal with that information right now.

“Thats what I do. I compose or arrange the music for CFs. My official title is Music Coordinator and Director at SME.” Hae's expression turned a little disdainful, then his expression softened again.

“What do you do when you're not at the bar?” he asked. Hyuk sighed, “You're going to be my client tomorrow, and I'm not supposed to discuss my personal life with my clients.” Hae pouted and puffed his cheeks, sticking out his lower lip. 

“I'm not your client yet.” he got up from his desk chair and made his way back to the bed. “You just saved me from a mugger, carried me home and bandaged me up. I just played you the song you inspired me to write.” Hae stood right in front of Hyuk, so their knees were touching and bent down a little so they were face to face. He put his hands on Hyuk's shoulders to steady himself, and Hyuk could feel the warmth of Hae's palms on his skin. 

Their faces were close enough now that Hyuk could feel Hae's breath against his lips, and his heart was racing again. His skin felt too tight and hot and he wanted so much to just reach out and pull this insane man down on top of him. To push him into the covers of the bed, to find out just how soft the rest of his skin felt against him. 

He wanted to hear what Hae sounded like when Hyuk kissed him, when he bit him. If he would moan when Hyuk touched him. He wanted to know if Hae would swear when Hyuk fucked him and made him come all over his expensive sheets. He realized that Hae wasn't talking anymore and that his face was still inches away. Hyuk turned his own head away. 

“I'm doing a graduate degree in Dance and Choreography.” His voice was rough, and he could feel the shiver that ran through Hae, who was still poised above him. Hae let out a shaky laugh. “See, that wasn't so hard.” 

Hyuk looked up at him, “I know what your doing,” he said quietly, “and I won't lie to you and say I'm not attracted to you. But I don't sleep with clients.” he saw the objection forming on Donghae's face and shushed him before he could even voice it. “I wouldn't even if you weren't a client. I don't have the time or the inclination to date, and I don't have casual sex.” He ran a hand over his eyes in frustration. “This is crazy, I only learned your name a few hours ago, we don't know anything about each other. I don't know whats going on.”

Hae backed up a little so that he wasn't crowding Hyuk's personal space. “Do you want to cancel our appointment?” and for the first time since Hyuk had seen him his expression was closed, guarded. He hated it. He shook his head. “No. I should, but I don't want to. Besides, you came to the bar to get over writer's block right? If what ever this is,” he waved his hand between them, “is working, then I want to help you. I need to be honest. I don't want to build up expectations that can't be met. I don't even know you but I already like you enough to know I shouldn't lead you on.”   
Hae nodded and smiled a little. “Then you'll still sleep over? The next train won't return to Gangnam for like 6 hours, and concussion or not I can't stay awake any longer.” he looked so hopeful Hyuk just nodded. 

He borrowed a pair of over large shorts and a basketball jersey from Hae and changed in the bathroom. When he came back to the room Hae was already in a blue pajama top and under the covers. Hyuk climbed in carefully next to him and lay down on his back. Hae turned to look at him, his mischievous smile back in full force. 

He ducked his head under Hyuk's chin and rested his cheek against Hyuk's shoulder, tucking into his side and snuggling. He was completely asleep in under a minute. Sighing in resignation Hyuk put his arm around the sleeping man. Though he thought it would be impossible to sleep with Hae so close he found himself being lulled by the even breathing of his sleeping companion, and soon had followed Hae into dreamland.


	8. Lead me not

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For what I am about to do I am truely sorry, but in the name of plot progression it had to be done.

He was lying on an unfamiliar bed. He could feel the warmth of another body stretched out beside him; and he was reaching toward the warmth before he had fully registered what he was doing. He turned to face the stranger he lay next to and realized he wasn't a stranger at all. He was lying next to Donghae.

Sometime in the night Hae must have gotten too hot, because he no longer wore the top to his pajamas. His pale skin seemed luminescent to Hyuk's sleep fogged mind. Asleep, Hae looked like he was carved from marble, the shadows cast his features into sharp relief. Hyuk didn't notice his hand reaching out to trace Hae's collar bones, but before he knew it his fingers were skimming down his chest, tracing his ribs, caressing his stomach, and pausing shakily at the waist band of Hae's pants.

Hae opened his eyes. They were almost hidden by his long eyelashes and still heavy lidded with sleep. “Why did you stop?” Hae's voice was hoarse and the vibration of his words burned against Hyuk's skin. Hyuk didn't know how to respond, so he stayed silent and still. Hae smiled slowly and stretched his whole body, so that it rubbed against Hyuk in a deliberate grind. Hyuk couldn't hold back a soft moan at the contact, but he didn't move his hand either to stop touching or to touch Hae more intimately. He had already told him just a few hours ago that this wasn't going to happen. Any minute now he was going to remove his hands, apologize politely and go out to sleep on the couch until the trains started up again.

Seconds ticked by loudly in his head and he still didn't seem to be moving.

Hae leaned up so his face was inches from Hyuk's. “I don't want you to stop.” The admission breathed against his lips, the feel of all that silky skin against his, the throbbing of his own erection; Hyuk didn't know what tipped him over the edge but he felt his convictions give as he rolled Hae onto his back and hovered over him. The first brush of lips was soft, tentative. It had been so long since Hyuk had kissed anyone and he felt as though he was reliving his first kiss all over again. The awkward nerves and mess of emotions seemed eerily familiar...

The kiss didn't stay cautious for long. Hyukjae covered Hae's body with his own, straddling the man's hips and pressing him down into the mattress. He grabbed Hae's wrists and pulled them over his head pinning them above them and sealed their lips, pressing his tongue into Hae's eager mouth, licking over his palate, and drawing back to bite at his lower lip. Hae groaned and pushed his own clothed erection against Hyuk's abs, grinding up into him over and over until Hyukjae couldn't stop himself. He tore his mouth from Hae's and trailed bites down the man's throat, while his hands pushed pajamas down Hae's hips. 

He gripped Hae's cock at the base and stroked him roughly a couple of times. The noises Hae made were constant now, needy moans, and breathy pleas for more, though more of what he didn't seem able to articulate. It didn't matter to Hyuk. He knew what he wanted and he worked his way down Hae's body, leaving red bite marks and sucking kisses along his chest and stomach. 

Finally he propped himself between Hae's parted thighs. He ran careful fingers from Hae's knees, up his thighs and onto his hips, and then pressed his palms down firmly, keeping Hae's hips pinned to the mattress. He took his time enjoying the picture Hae made, naked and needy. His cock was so hard it lay against his belly twitching every now and then, leaving trails of precum on his perfect abs. He raised his head to look down the length of his body at Hyuk.

With their gazes locked and holding, Hyuk carefully took the head of Hae's cock into his mouth. Hae didn't look away or close his eyes as he watched Hyuk take him deeper. Knowing what he must look like from Hae's perspective only made him harder, and he finally had to break eye contact moaning around the cock which had finally reached the back of his throat. He could feel Hae's hips pushing against his restraining palms, trying desperately to fuck his mouth.

He pushed Hae's hips down more firmly and began to move his tongue and lips along his length. Occasionally he would pull off entirely with an obscene, wet popping noise and suck wet kisses up the underside and run his tongue around the head just to taste the precum which was leaking steadily. Hae began to pull on his hair and Hyuk could feel the muscles under his hands contracting and releasing, so he covered Hae's cock with his mouth, taking him as far into his throat as possible. 

The bedroom door burst open just as Hae let out a loud string of curses and came in Hyukjae's mouth.

Hyuk jerked away from Hae to look at the door, but he already knew what he would see. No, not now, he thought to himself desperately. It was different this time, it had felt so real, felt so good. Why couldn't he have this? But there framed in the doorway was his shocked mother, his murderous father, and, and … him.   
When he looked back at the bed, Hae had disappeared and he was poised over a basin of ice water. His father's familiar hand on the back of his head gripping him by hair he no longer kept this long was the last thing he felt before he broke through the surface of the ice water and into reality.

His skin was drenched in sweat and he felt inexplicably cold, in spite of the warm body draped over him. He carefully extricated himself from a sleeping Hae and stripped off his borrowed sleep wear, folding the pajamas neatly and placing them on the edge of the desk. He dressed quickly and silently in his own clothes from the night before and walked through the dark apartment. He put his shoes on in the hallway and walked out the door.

He tried to stay calm as he wandered the streets in search of a very early morning coffee shop. He needed caffeine before he could brave the early commuter traffic. He was a pabo, how did he think that things would turn out any differently than the last five times he'd tried to see someone he liked? 'You're a dirty, filthy child. A traitor, a sinner, a sick disgusting wretch.' He could still hear the voices of his parents, feel the ice cold followed by the nearly scalding water he had been nearly drowned in. He knew they were wrong, he knew. He sighed and slumped against a brick wall. It didn't matter if it wasn't true. 

'I can't love you, even if I wanted to, which I don't. Who could love you?' Those were the words that hurt the most, the ones that came with no feeling, no image, just the solid knowledge that he was right.

His parents had been wrong when they told him no one could love him because he was gay. No one could love him because he himself was worthless, and full of decay, and what kind of person could love someone like him? He pushed himself away from the wall and continued to the station. Maybe a coffee kiosk down in the terminal would be open at four thirty in the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this story is obviously AU. Hyukjae's parents aren't abusive in real life, and any other RP I use as props to get this story to move along are also individuals who I do not know. So if I use your bias as a baddy in my story I apologize in advance. Also I am aware that the dream sequence can sometimes be an over used plot device, but I liked the idea of linking Hyuk's psycho-sexual dysfunction to his night terrors which opens up Hyuk's back story, which will be important. Also I was feeling up to writing a little smut just to try it out, so yeah.


	9. Contemplation and Bubbles

When Hae woke up he was alone. He spent a few moments being disappointed, wishing that Hyuk had stayed. Then he realized it was 9 am on a Monday and he was going to be very late for work. He called into his office to tell his boss about the mugging and to let him know he planned to work from home for a few days. Then he made his way into the bathroom and gently pulled off the bandage to inspect his head. The cut was already scabbed over. There was some bruising along one side of his face, from cheekbone to temple.

He gingerly prodded the skin around the wound. It hurt a little but it didn't seem to be inflamed. He put some antibacterial ointment on it and applied a new bandage. He ran himself a bubble bath, figuring that a shower might irritate his cut and that he could use the relaxation of a long soak.

Almost as soon as he had gotten into the tub of course there was a knock at the door.

“It isn't locked!” he called. Siwon let himself into the room looking worried. “Heechul Hyung just told me what happened! Are you alright? Did you call the police? Do they know who did this?” Siwon was just as concerned as Heechul Hyung had been the night before, though since he was at law school he had slightly different concerns.

“I'm fine Wonnie-ah,” Hae smiled into his friend's worried eyes. “We didn't call the police, I think Eunhyuk-sshi was in almost as much shock as me. We got away from the mugger pretty quickly and he brought me back here.” Siwon rolled his eyes in exasperated relief. “Well as long as you aren't hurt. Where is this knight Eunhyuk-sshi anyway? Heechul Hyung wouldn't stop talking about how brave and handsome he was.” He smirked a little to let Hae know he was teasing him.

Donghae drew himself up in mock offense and said, in a prim tone, “He had to leave, he's a very busy handsome hero.”

Siwon pouted, “More handsome than the heros you live with?” Hae grinned, “Much, much more handsome. And he's a better dancer, and he's also the most heroic. When's the last time you or Hannie hyung saved me from a dastardly attacker?” Siwon pretended fall back in agony. “No more I beg you, truly this man is the most heroic of us all.” He smiled. “Do you like this guy?”

Hae looked down into the mass of bubbles. “I don't know Hyung. I don't know him very well. I think he's sexy as all hell, and I wrote him a song, but...I'm not sure I remember what really liking someone feels like anymore. Besides he's made it very clear he wants things between us to stay professional, and I don't think he's going to change his mind.” Siwon smiled sympathetically and patted Hae on the shoulder. “Your Hyungs just want to see you happy again Hae-ah. Things will turn out right, just try to keep your heart open this time, neh? Some things are worth the risk.”

Hae smiled up at his friend. “I remember when I couldn't even talk about this stuff to you. When did you get so smart Hyung?”

Siwon turned a little red. “God saw fit to teach me love and understanding by sending me you and Heechul Hyung and Gengie Sunbae. He taught me through you three that real love, whatever form it takes, is always a reflection of his love for us. Bigotry and hatred are never acceptable ways to spread His message. I wish more people in my faith knew that.” They were both silent for a moment. Then Siwon cleared his throat awkwardly. “Don't tell Heechul hyung, he's already tried to kill me with a crucifix once this week.” Donghae grinned. “I heard you've been converting Geng hyung again. I tried to tell him he was mixing up Protestants and Catholics but he's decided, and I quote, 'the evils of organized religion deserve no distinction'.” Siwon laughed.

Donghae smiled up at his hyung. “You're a good man, Hyung. Thanks for worrying about me.” Siwon smiled back and squeezed Hae's shoulder briefly, then turned to the door. “Don't worry too much about this hero of yours Hae-ah. If you really like him I'm sure he'll come around, especially if you keep up the distressed damsel thing, who could say no to rescuing you?” He shut the door gently behind himself, leaving Hae alone and smiling with his bubbles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be clear, I am aware that in RL ages are as follows oldest to youngest: Heechul, Hangeng, Eunhyuk, Donghae, Siwon. In my story Siwon is older than Hyuk and Donghae by a few months. The rest of the ages are the same. This explains why Hae calls Wonnie hyung. Hangeng doesn't always use honorifics with Heechul because their relationship is so irreverent.


	10. Life shouldn't imitate art

Hyuk was sort of relieved it was Monday. By the time he had gotten back to his apartment it was 5:30 am and he had showered quickly and fallen asleep until 9 am. The rest of his day was taken up by classes and practice and he was too busy and tired to think about Donghae or his dream. Most importantly he was able to spend the whole day not thinking about the impending appointment he had with Donghae at the bar.

There wasn't really a dress code for employees at Hwawon. Each guy had his own concept which he had run by the manager when he was hired. Employees were encouraged to pick a new name for their persona and were expected to dress in character. Persona's were usually developed by choosing existing traits and amplifying them to create an ideal man for their clients to enjoy. Zhoumi for example had decided to base his persona off of his intelligent conversation and cutting wit. He was very popular with older women, because he made them feel young by making snarky comments about the younger clientele and at the same time subtly flirting. Taemin had a cute shy persona that fit well with his young age. His persona was particularly effective with Minho's because Minho was masculine and restrained. The tension they could build between the two of them seemed to tap into some primal female fascination with homo eroticism that Hyukjae would frankly never understand.

Hyukjae didn't mind having a separate persona at work. Eunhyuk provided him the much needed protection of anonymity as much as he did pleasure for his clients.

Eunhyuk's most in demand talent was his dancing, of course, but he also had confidence. He was self assured, the classic old school bad boy straight from Rebel Without a Cause. Eunhyuk was the kind of man who flirted and teased but never called. He usually wore black and leather. Hyuk had chosen to work at Hwawon because he knew there wouldn't be any risk of forming romantic attachments to his clients, the pay was way better than his last job as a waiter too. It was much safer than stripping, which was the only other highish paying job where his dancing would be an asset, at least until he finished the showcase and was signed by a company or an agency.

Now that he was dressing for an appointment with Donghae he could feel the line between Eunhyuk and Hyukjae beginning to blur. In one way it was comforting to put on the low-cut white tank top and black skinny jeans. With each layer he was reminded that Donghae didn't know Hyukjae at all, he had only ever met Eunhyuk. He would have to make sure Eunhyuk was the only one Hae ever met. Eunhyuk was easy to like, Hyukjae reminded himself. Donghae wouldn't have looked twice at Hyukjae. Where Eunhyuk was mysterious Hyukjae was awkward and introverted. Eunhyuk was sexy and teasing, but Hyukjae was goofy and clownish. The only time Hyuk and Eunhyuk were truly one was when he was dancing. Hyukjae loved to dance, and he was good at it, and someday soon he would get a job dancing and leave all the uncertainty and frustration of his old life behind. Because dance transformed Hyukjae into someone with worth.

Hyuk finished off his outfit with a leather jacket at high-top leather boots and left for his shift at the club, trying with every step to settle into the mind set of Eunhyuk.

 

Donghae had spent the day relaxing, writing lyrics to the song he had written for Hyukjae. He was trying to work with the robotic angle that he CF was going for;

 

The line of your body caught my eye

I couldn't look away, but I tried

You set me on fire

Stopped my mechanical heart.

 

And he did feel mechanical, doing a job he had taken for a woman who had left him years ago. Somehow he had lost the will to write for himself anymore. He had given up his dreams of professional song writing for the stars and become content with writing trite commercial jingles. This was the first song he'd written in a year that he had put any of himself into.

 

It should take more than a minute

But I'm in short circuit

And I'm shutting down

Every time you look my way

 

It was crazy to feel this excited about a person he had spoken to once, especially one who had made it clear that there was no chance for romance in their future. At first he had written off his reactions as pure lust. He was feeling plenty of that for Eunhyuk, and not just because he danced like sin personified. He was beautiful, pale and thin, but tall and masculine. His cheek bones were perfect and his dark eyes contrasted with his blond hair.

But it was more than wanting him in his bed that made Donghae anticipate and dread their appointment. Eunhyuk made him feel things he had forgotten, exhilaration, excitement, Eunhyuk was fascinated by him too. He had followed him to the station just to watch him board a train, had saved him from a mugger before he had even known Donghae's name.

 

There's no way it could be love

My mind is gears and wire

My body's ice and steel

You look so lovely

So pure,

I wish I was sure.

 

Eunhyuk hadn't pretended not to want him. It would have been easier if he had. Donghae could have taken denial as a challenge to be met. But Eunhyuk had told him honestly that he had no room in his life for a relationship. Trying to seduce him would almost feel like a betrayal of trust, especially since he had wanted to continue to help Hae to get over his writer's block. And he was already helping, the words were coming easily to Hae's mind as he thought about the strange man he would soon be seeing.

 

If I could hold your hand a while

Feel warmth in your finger tips

Maybe you could melt me

Just a little bit,

But you turn your face to me

And I see behind your smile

Coldness, just like mine.

 

Hae didn't know if he could stop himself pursuing his elusive dancer. So he stopped thinking and let the last lines flow from his mind to his page.

 

Even if we fell into the fire

Fell into each other

When we melt

What will remain

Etched in burning flame

But our mechanical hearts?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not enjoy song fic, I do not write song fic (not to insult people who do like and or write song fic. This is a personal preference not a judgment of a sub-genre). However Donghae is a songwriter in this fic and I thought his writing was pertinent. I spent about two hours looking for the perfect pre-existing song, I did not find it so I made one up. There is no melody, and I don't think it actually scans well enough to be put to music anyway. I wrote it in ten minutes specifically for this chapter so, yeah. Sorry about that.


	11. Living with regrets

When Hyuk stepped into the bar he was relieved to see that Donghae appeared to be running a bit late. He stopped by the bar to say hi to Kibum, and find out which table he had for his 'date' with Hae. Kibum, that bastard Hyuk thought inwardly, had put them at a secluded table in the darkest corner. It afforded a good view of the dance floor, but had more privacy than the other tables because the lighting was dimmer and there weren't many other tables close by. With a nasty glance at Kibum he moved through the people on the dance floor and took a seat at the table.

Hyukjae watched the door with a great deal of apprehension. He had been right to worry. When Donghae arrived it was obvious he hadn't come from his office. Every other night he had worn a suit, but now he was dressed for a date. Hyuk silently cursed himself, Donghae, and any one else who had ever seen Hae in his leather pants before. And yes, Hae was wearing very sexy leather trousers topped by a lovely buttoned dress shirt undone just shy of indecently. He had accessorized simply with a studded belt, silver tie, black vest and black leather shoes. His hair which was usually just sort of messy was now artfully messy and the entire picture was... mesmerizing.

Hyukjae was in a lot of trouble.

Hae spotted him and waved, a grin too cute to be handsome filling his face. He made his way over to the table, as Eunhyuk stood to greet him. “Eunhyuk-sshi, its nice to see you again.” Hae made a small bow clasping Hyuk's hand in his. Eunhyuk smiled down at the man. “Please take a seat, can I get you something to drink? Beer, or soju perhaps?” Hae sat, that stupid grin still on his face as he accepted the offer of beer.

Eunhyuk returned with a beer for Hae and iced tea for himself (he wasn't allowed to drink on shift), and sat down across from Hae. Hae accepted his drink with a thankful nod and set it on the table.

“Did you get home alright?” Hae asked. Hyukjae was embarrassed to be reminded of his time in Hae's apartment, but Eunhyuk smiled smoothly.

“Yes, thank you, I'm sorry I had to leave so early. I would have liked to check on your head; how is it feeling?” There was a smaller plaster over the cut now, Hae had obviously changed the dressing. Donghae blushed, and looked down at the table top.

“I'm feeling fine now, thank you.” he glanced up shyly. “I should have thanked you properly for saving me. It was really brave, what you did. And kind of you to see me home...” he trailed off a little awkwardly.

Hyukjae was still somewhere uselessly gibbering in a corner about how sweet Hae was so it was Eunhyuk who took Hae's hand and looked into his eyes. “I'm just glad I was there to help. You really shouldn't walk out here so late at night Hae-sshi.” Hae blushed, though whether at the sentiment or the contact it was hard to tell.

“I'm not really sure what to do here.” He confessed softly. “I -I really like you Eunhyuk-sshi.” He held up a hand before Hyuk could interrupt. “I remember what you said before, and I will honor whatever restrictions make you more comfortable. I don't want to do anything to make you uncomfortable or angry. But I've never done this.” He waved a hand vaguely to indicate the bar and the other employees and clients.

Hyuk smiled, genuinely this time. “I meant it when I said I wanted to help you get over your writer's block. We can just talk. Tell me about your work, or about why you like music, or Heechul-sshi. We can talk about whatever you want Hae-sshi.” Donghae tightened his grip around Hyuk's fingers for a moment leaning forward to look more directly into Hyuk's eyes. “Anything but you, right?” he sat back, a small, almost sad smile on his face. Hyuk felt a twisting in his stomach but he still nodded. “Anything but me.”

 

After that it was easy. Hae liked to talk. He told Eunhyuk about how he had met Heechul and about the first song he remembered hearing on the radio. He told him about his dreams of professional songwriting and the betrayal of his first love, a girl named Jessica, for whom he'd abandoned all his ambitions. Hyuk found himself laughing at the antics of Chulie Hyung and Wonnie Hyung. He hated the evil Jessica, and sympathized with the ever patient Han Geng (because truly a man who could date Heechul was obviously an angel in disguise). He realized that he had ceased to be Eunhyuk, he was just Hyukjae having a nice time with a nice man. He pushed the worry aside.

When Hae seemed talked out Hyuk suggested that they hit the dance floor. Hae made up for a lack of finesse in dancing with a refreshing unselfconscious exuberance. He had a lot of natural grace and a good sense of rhythm, though he lacked any coherent pattern of steps or personal space. Hyuk made sure to keep Hae's flailing limbs well away from the other dancing couples, just to be safe.

The dance numbers were all quite fast paced, and at first they danced with minimal contact between them. Hyuk knew what was coming though. As the night went on the music got slower, and the beats took on a sensual grinding rhythm. Hae started to walk back to their table. Hyuk stopped him, grabbing him by the wrist and drawing Hae close to him. Hae looked up in surprise, all wide eyes and confusion.

“You hired me, remember?” and he was all Eunhyuk now. “This is supposed to be the best part.” his voice was low and sexy and Hae was blushing again. Eunhyuk pushed a hyperventilating Hyukjae into a corner of his mind. “Are you sure its okay?” Hae asked him, hope shining on his up turned face. In response Eunhyuk just pulled him closer, pressing their bodies together and began to move them. Hae buried his face in the crook of Hyuk's neck, and locked his wrists behind his neck. Eunhyuk settled his hands at Hae's waist moving them to the music.

It wasn't like dancing with a client though. Hae's body felt amazing against his. He was responsive to the smallest shift, and seemed to move effortlessly with Hyuk's body. Hyuk lost track of time, all he could think about and feel was the press of Hae's thighs against his, the feel of hip bones under his hands, the warm breathes against his clavicle. They only broke apart after the last song. They only put a foot of space between their bodies but as they stared at each other Hyuk felt that it could have been miles. He almost wished it was.

“Wait out front for me.” he turned away before Hae could say anything, and walked to the break room to get his stuff. He rushed out of the club, and saw Hae standing under a street lamp. He went over to him, standing still and quiet until Hae took his hand. They walked to the station in silence, still hand in hand. They went through the turnstile, waited for the train to come. When the lights were flashing Hae turned his face to look at him again. “I want to make another appointment. Can I?” he asked. Hyuk nodded, face betraying no emotion. Hae leaned up one hand on Hyuk's shoulder to steady himself and spoke into Hyuk's ear. “I finished your song.” he kissed Hyuk's cheek just below his ear and pressed something into his hand, and then he was on the train and out of sight.

Hyuk unfolded the paper Hae had pressed into his hand. They were song lyrics. Written for him.

 

If we fell into the fire

What would remain

but our mechanical hearts?

 

Hyukjae put the paper in his pocket and headed home.


	12. If only I had opened with 'No'

There was no way in which the future ended well for Hyukjae. He could totally see that now. He had gone home after his 'date' with Hae, his cheek burning with the imprint of Hae's lips and a sinking feeling in his stomach. It only got worse when he took out the song. It was lovely and sad, and much, much too close to home.

He stood in his kitchen in pink unicorn pajama pants and mismatched slippers (a monkey and some kind of deranged looking cartoon clown fish Key had given him as a gag gift last show). As he heated egg rolls for breakfast he laughed bitterly at his own stupidity. He had been following Hae home for a week before they had been properly introduced. He had slept in the same bed as the man, had a sex dream about him before he'd even had an appointment with him! All the while reassuring himself that he could walk away whenever. Well not only did his subconscious suck, it was also a lying liar who lied... a lot.

 

He could feel Hae's body against him when they danced, and his hand holding Hyuk's as they walked to the station. He had wanted so badly to tell Hae to stay away, when he had asked for another appointment, but he had also wanted to take the perfect man and lead him to his apartment and into his bed; so he had averaged out the two and come up with nodding. He sucked at math.

Whatever. The point was, he liked Lee Donghae, a lot. And that didn't seem likely to magically stop being true anytime soon. What was even stranger to him, was that Donghae seemed to like him as well. While he had been using the name Eunhyuk the whole time, Hyuk had to admit, he'd spent more time as Hyukjae around Hae, than as Eunhyuk.

As he sat at his desk to eat, he thought about what Key had said and wondered if Hae wasn't the only one who needed a little outside inspiration. He wouldn't know unless he tried. He finished his breakfast. It would mean having to tell Hae about his past, which frightened him. But, he reflected, Hae was the first person he'd met in nearly ten years that made him want to try. He just hoped it would be worth it this time.


	13. The trials of confessing

The day after his 'appointment' with Eunhyuk, Donghae made it all the way to lunch time before he called Hwawon and asked for Kibum. He tried to make an appointment for the evening, but Hyuk was already booked. He ended up getting an appointment for the following night, and spent lunch trying to figure out what to do with the rest of his day.

After he had sent the completed song to his boss he had been given the rest of the week off to 'recuperate from his shocking experience'. He didn't really need time to recover, but he wasn't about to turn down paid leave either. He began to rethink that when Heechul Hyung threw the door of the bathroom open while he was shaving, nearly causing a fatal, or at the very least disfiguring accident.

“Hyung!” Hae protested,when he had gotten his heart-rate down to a manageable speed and put the razor down carefully. Heechul ignored his annoyance, waving his hands and rolling his eyes theatrically. “Hae-ah, hurry up and finish shaving, we're going shopping in 10 minutes! Geng-gege is taking the afternoon off to drive us around Gangnam!”

Hae scowled at his Hyung in mock annoyance. “I don't remember being asked to go shopping, Hyung. I only told you I didn't have work like half and hour ago...” he trailed off with a groan.

“Hyung, tell me you didn't threaten Geng-hyung into leaving work just to take us shopping?” Heechul smiled winningly. “He wanted to come anyway. I barely had to threaten him at all. And we need the catharsis that comes only from shop therapy.” he paused and added like an after thought, “Also you need to give me details about your date with Sir Hyukkie-sshi!” he skipped out of the bathroom, and missed Donghae's dramatic face-palm entirely.

Donghae didn't actually mind going shopping with his Hyungs. He didn't often get a chance to go out with them, since their schedules were all different, and Heechul and Hangeng often wanted to be alone together on the evenings Hangeng didn't have to work late at his office. They parked in a public garage a few blocks from the subway station Eunhyuk had walked him to only last night. Hae was getting quite familiar with this part of Seoul. Heechul took charge and led them to a number of shops. Donghae and Hangeng had long ago learned not to get between the him and his shopping.

Finally they stopped at a coffee shop for a snack.

“So, how was your date with Eunhyuk-sshi then?” Heechul asked, as they sat at a table in the corner of the cafe. Donghae thought for a minute, “It was...I don't know. We had a nice time, we talked and danced. He walked me to the station.” Hae sighed in frustration. “I really like him, but last night wasn't a real date. It's his job, and he told me he wasn't interested in anything more. I want to respect that.” he pouted. Hangeng patted his hand sympathetically.

“If he really likes you too it will work out. Sometimes it takes a while to see it.” he smiled at Heechul. “When I first met Chulie-ah, I couldn't stand him.”

“Yah, pabo, you loved me at first sight, you were just confused by my fatal charm!” Heechul frowned at his lover. “Geng-gege is right though, Hae-ah, given enough time there's no way Eunhyuk-sshi won't fall for you.”

Hangeng and Heechul looked at each other and traded gentle smiles, Hangeng clasped Heechul's hand in his. Donghae looked away, he didn't want to intrude on their moment. Just then Eunhyuk walked through the door of the cafe and their eyes met.

Donghae couldn't stop the blush that rose and turned his face red to the tips of his ears. Eunhyuk dressed differently outside of Hwawon. He had on calf length sweat pants and a scoop necked t-shirt. His hair wasn't styled and his bangs were falling into his eyes. He looked beautiful. He also looked shocked to see Donghae. Donghae got up from his table and walked over to Eunhyuk, who was standing in line.

“Donghae-sshi, wh-what are you doing here?” Hae was privately pleased to see that Eunhyuk seemed flustered too. “I'm shopping with Heechul-hyung and his boyfriend.” he pointed to the couple who were still making oblivious googly eyes at each other. Eunhyuk looked down at his feet, his face was a little red.

“Oh...don't you have to work?” Donghae smiled, he was kind of enjoying Eunhyuk's discomfort. “My boss gave me the week off because of my head. He liked the song for the Android commercial, so I don't have much to do right now anyway.” At the mention of the song Eunhyuk's blush deepened.

“Oh.” He looked up shyly. “I liked it too.”

Donghae felt pleased and confused. He wasn't used to seeing Eunhyuk so off balance. He always seemed a little distant. Hae took a deep breath. “Can we go somewhere? Maybe for a walk, just the two of us?” Eunhyuk hesitated and Hae hurriedly lifted a hand. “Just to talk, I'm not trying to trick you into a date or anything.” he widened his eyes in an expression of exaggerated innocence that always got his way even with Heechul.

Eunhyuk smiled ruefully, “Its not that Donghae-sshi, but I'm on break from practice. I'm preparing for a showcase. I have to get back in a few minutes.” Hae's face fell.

“Oh, well I'll see you tomorrow at Hwawon.” he turned to leave. He turned back immediately when Hyuk put a hand on his arm.

Hyuk's face mirrored the surprise Hae felt. “Would you like to come see me practice? We could get food after. Before my shift at the bar.”

Hae grinned, “Get your coffee, I'll go tell my Hyungs to go on without me.” he ran back to his table before Hyuk could change his mind. Heechul was smirking when he got to the table.

“Hae-ah, isn't that Eunhyuk-sshi?”

“Neh, Hyung. Thank you for taking me shopping. Eunhyuk-sshi asked me to watch his dance practice, so I'll leave first.” Heechul smiled wider and Hangeng patted Hae on the shoulder. “Goodluck. Don't do anything Heechul would do.” he ducked the slap Heechul aimed at his head. “Yah, Han Geng-ah! Don't push your luck or I won't be doing any of the 'things I do' either.” Gang looked chastened. “Mian, mian.”

Donghae waved at the couple and bounded back to where Hyuk stood by the door. “Ready?” Hyuk nodded shyly and led the way out of the cafe.

 

 

They walked in silence to the dance studio, Eunhyuk kept shooting Hae little sideways glances when he thought Hae wasn't looking. They entered a elevator and Hae took the short moment of privacy to grab Eunhyuk's hand and smile at him. “Whatever you're so nervous about, its going to be fine. I've seen you dance already. I know how amazing you are.” Eunhyuk's hand tightened around his for a moment and then let go. “This is it.” he said. The doors opened and they stepped off. The studio was mostly empty, with a wooden floor and one wall completely mirrored. Two young men were near the mirrored wall. The shorter of the two lounged against the mirrors, a small smile on his handsome face as he watched the other move through an undulating dance step. At the sound of the shutting door they both looked up. The shorter one smirked and gave a little wave then planted a kiss on his companion's cheek. “I've got class Key-ah, see you later.” he walked past Hae and Hyuk throwing a “Bye Hyung” over his shoulder to Hyukkie.

The boy called Key looked at Donghae curiously. “I thought you went out for coffee, Hyung. Are you picking up strays now?” he raised an eyebrow. He was very pretty and his attitude kind of reminded him of Heechul's, so Donghae just smiled his shyest smile. Key was no more able to resist his aegyo than Heechul. He smiled back at Hae, “Well, introduce us Hyung! Why would you keep someone this adorable from us!?” he whacked Eunhyuk's arm. “Yah!” Hyuk scowled and rubbed his arm.

“Key-ah, this is Donghae-sshi, Donghae-sshi this is Kibum, he's the student supervisor for the graduate showcase I'm in.” Donghae gave a little bow in greeting. “I ran into Eunhyuk-sshi at the coffee shop, and asked if I could see his dance piece. I promise I'll be very quiet.” Key smiled. “You won't be in the way. Its very nice to meet one of Eunhyuk Hyung's friends.” He shot Hyuk a weird look. “Why don't you take a seat?”

 

Hyukjae winced when he saw the disapproving look Key shot his way. He had forgotten for a minute that Donghae didn't know his real name. When Hae had made himself comfortable in one of the chairs at the mirrored end of the room, Key elbowed Hyuk in the ribs. “Who the hell is that Hyung? Are you picking up guys at work now? This is where you go to school, where your friends are! He doesn't even know your real name!” Key was scowling darkly.

“I didn't know I was going to run into him. And I didn't pick him up from work exactly. Its complicated, I'm going to tell him, I...” he trailed off. “I like him a lot Key-ah, but we don't know eahother very well, I'm not very good at this, and … I really like him.” he looked at his shoes miserably. Key softened. “Hey, its fine, it'll be fine. I was just surprised. You never bring anyone to practice and you never even hinted you were dating... He's very cute.” Key smiled encouragingly. Hyuk blushed, “We're not dating.” Key grinned at him. “Not yet.”


	14. A toast to getting somewhere

Donghae would never get tired of watching Eunhyuk dance. He'd never seen anything like him, and he knew his fair share of dancers. Not all of his dancing was sensual. He clearly had a talent for break dancing, popping, Hae even saw some modern experimental steps in his piece. Donghae had dated Jessica long enough to appreciate the precision and control that went into a performance like this one.

But watching Eunhyuk practice was a mistake he realized, the more time he spent with this man, the more he wanted him. Just sitting there he could already feel the threads of arousal, the blood rushing under his skin, making his whole body wind tighter and tighter. He could feel a blush rising. Donghae had no desire to follow Eunhyuk around feeling more and more drawn to him if Eunhyuk was never going to give him a chance. He was startled from his thoughts by Kibum, who sat down beside him. “He's good, isn't he?” Key wasn't looking at Hae, he never stopped watching Hyuk, keeping an eye out for mistakes and hesitations. “Yeah.” Donghae's voice was rougher than he'd intended, “I've never seen anyone like him.” he said honestly. Key smiled. “Do you dance?” he asked. Donghae grinned, “Not well. I'm a musician, I write songs. For commercials mainly. I work at the advertising division of SME.” Key's eyes widened. “You must know so many idols! That sounds so cool!” Hae shrugged. “It wasn't what I dreamed of being, but I find the work to be fun, occasionally challenging, and I do enjoy being a part of the company.”

Key was silent for a while, but he turned to Hae as Eunhyuk's dance piece began to wind down. “Huyk-Hyung is a very talented dancer, Donghae-sshi, but he's been struggling with this piece for almost a month. Today is the first time I've ever seen him execute it perfectly. I know Hyung can be difficult, and distant, but he clearly likes you a lot. He's never brought anyone to see him dance before.” He paused, looking conflicted, “It's not any of my business, but Hyung is a really good person. The kind of person I think would be worth waiting for.” he smiled and got up in time to turn off the CD before it started again.

“That was good, Hyung. Thats the energy I'm looking for! Keep that up and every agent in the audience will be eating out of your hand.” Key clapped Hyuk on the shoulders. “I think, for the first time we can call early practice! If it's okay? Jjongie is singing at the cafe tonight, and its been months since I could make it to one of his sets.” Hyuk smiled at Key, “It's fine, I wanted to get dinner with Donghae-sshi before my shift. I'll see you back here tomorrow at noon?” Key nodded, and impulsively hugged his Hyung quickly. “I'll tell Jjong you miss him too!” and then with a wave to Donghae he ran out the door.

Eunhyuk turned to Hae and smiled. He looked relaxed, happy. Hae had never noticed how tense and guarded Eunhyuk looked all the time until he could see the contrast. Hyuk's smile faded into curiosity. “Did you like the piece?” Hae nodded. He didn't think he could spend much more time in the studio with Eunhyuk, now they were alone. Not if he was going to continue being respectful of the other man's boundaries.

Eunhyuk walked closer. “I've been having a really difficult time with it, usually when I choreograph I make a story, to add emotional intensity. But something about this piece, I just couldn't find the thread.” he smiled again, and Donghae's pulse was beating so fast he felt like he was vibrating to it. “Maybe I just needed to find the right audience?” He was getting a lot closer to Hae than was strictly polite. And Hae felt his breathing catch in his chest, but still managed to ask, “What story were you just dancing?” His voice wasn't fooling anyone, it came out so breathless he was almost whispering into Eunhyuk's mouth which was just inches from his; and he didn't even remember a wall being behind him but thanked god for it. He really needed something lean against, while his brain tried to figure out what the fuck had happened to “Eun -not with people I work for- hyuk” all of a sudden.

Eunhyuk smirked, “I've titled it 'Denial Overcome'.” Then he closed the distance between them. Kissing was something Eunhyuk did with his entire body, his lips moved softly against Hae's, one of his hands gently wrapped around the back of his neck, their chests brushed as Hyuk's other hand trailed under Hae's shirt to trace patterns against the skin of his lower back. Hae managed to grab Eunhyuk's hips, partially to pull him closer, but mainly to avoid sliding down the wall.

Eunhyuk kept the kiss gentle, and after a minute began to pull away. Donghae was having none of it. He let his hands glide up the other man's body, feeling the clenching muscles of his abdomen, and paused briefly to caress his collar bones. Hae gripped the back of Hyuk's neck with both hands and pulled him closer, moaning into a kiss that wasn't gentle anymore.

 

Hyukjae hadn't meant to do anything more than kiss Donghae, a chaste statement of intent, that had been the plan. Then he was going to take Hae to dinner and they would talk about things. But Hae's mouth was hot and wet, his lips opened immediately when Hyuk bit at his lower lip and Hyuk closed his eyes and took over the kiss. He explored Hae's mouth with teeth, lips and tongue. Hae made little gasping moans against him. His knee was between Hae's thighs, his hands were holding Hae against the wall.

When Donghae ground down against his thigh Hyuk did open his eyes. He still had his hands wrapped around Donghae's hips and he pulled him down again, reveling in the friction and Hae's low moan.

Hae braced his hands against Hyukjae's chest and his head was bowed, eyes shut tight.

Suddenly Hyuk wasn't afraid. He couldn't deny this, he wanted this man so much, his skin felt tight and hot and he didn't want it to end.

He pushed a hand into Donghae's hair, and wrapped his other arm around his waist and turned them, allowing his back to slide down the wall, so Hae was straddling his lap.

"Open your eyes." his voice sounded like gravel, and Hae shivered, his eyes stayed shut.

Hyuk trailed kisses from Hae's collar bone to his neck, he bit softly at the skin over Hae's Adam's apple. He licked and sucked the spot where Hae's neck met his jawline, just under his ear. Hae's breathing was shallow, and Hyuk could feel his rapid and uneven heartbeat in his own chest. He ghosted a kiss over Hae's open mouth.

"Hae-ah, look at me." He was whispering the words into Hae's mouth. Hae opened his eyes and looked at him, he looked shattered, and his body was trembling. “I want you.” he whispered.

Hyukjae let out a strangled groan, clenching his hands tightly around Hae's hips in an effort to stop grinding up against that perfect ass which was pressing down just right on his cock.

“I want you too. But not on the floor of my practice room,” and Christ he was really going to say this in spite of his libido waving angry protest signs behind his eyes, “And not until we've talked about this, and us.” he sighed in frustration. “We need to go to dinner. At my apartment, because I don't think we should be anywhere public right now. And then we'll talk. And then, if you still want to, we can pick this up later.”

Hae whimpered in protest when Hyuk lifted him off his lap. He bowed his head and tried to settle his breathing. Then they got up.

“I thought you had a shift at the bar tonight?” Hae asked. Hyukjae's face was grim, “I'm calling out.” he said firmly. Then he grinned and grabbed Hae's hand. “Come on! We can stop and pick up take out on the way. I'm a terrible cook.” Hae laughed, and they ran into the evening.


End file.
